I don't think anyone who is sensible enough would like to hurt people they really care about. But, we are after all human beings, and feel every emotion, and getting hurt is one among them. We either get hurt or hurt people. Ahem, I am writing the same thing, again and again, I guess I am waiting for the words to form in my mind.
Time and again, you meet people, who ,over the course of time, you become quite close to and they mean a lot to you as well. What if, they hurt you unintentionally? Do you take it ? If so, how many times will you? And what happens when you do tell them that what they say at times, really upsets you?
Hmmm, I take it a couple of times, maybe I am being modest, maybe I take it more than a couple of times. Yes, it really upsets me. What happens when I tell the person that he/she is hurting me? Well, I don't feel any good. I feel equally bad, if not more. And it is also accompanied with a feeling of guilt of hurting them instead.Phew! So, I am upset before and after telling the person so. And worse still is the fact that it will keep on going in my head, over and over and over again!
Solution? ( no , I don't need to go to the shrink :) )
I guess, I need to take things in my stride and better still, I need to choose at times between me and the others.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Pre-school!
I used to hate going to school as a kid.I mean really, really hate. And as I used to stay with my grandmother and Uncles', it was very easy to convince them to let me stay back. :) So, some days would start like this, "Amma, can I please stay back today. I promise I will go tomorrow" . I was around four , quite plump and I knew how to convince her and my Uncles'. I would just look at them with a very sad face and beg them with my eyes, tears almost about to fall. She never thought more than a second from saying yes :) . And days when they used to convince me to get ready for school, I used to get ready with a heavy heart. The small bag propped on my shoulders, my hand quietly put in my Uncle's, I used to start with him for school. There were days I used to start crying the moment we used to step out of house and I used to be brought back home. There were days when crying wouldn't be of any use, and I had to walk to school. My Uncle would carefully avoid looking at me and my silent tears , he would buy me chocolates which I would throw. At the school gate, I would look at him and tell him,"Bhaiyya, my stomach hurts, it really does, I can't sit in the class. The pain is unbearable, can we please go home, please? " Of course it never did hurt , but I just didn't want to go to school and yes he would bring me home. And of course, there were days, we would enter the school, enter the class, he would help me sit in my chair, neatly put the bag beside me and the water bottle, and wave me good bye, with a promise of being outside the class before the home bell.He would go out side the class and stand near the window, pleading me with his eyes to stop crying. I used to make it so difficult for him to leave me there.
All that changed after I went to stay with my parents. No more excuses, no more tantrums.School was school and I had to attend it, come what may :) Last night I suddenly remembered how much I used to hate going to school and how my Uncle and grandmother had to put up with it.
All that changed after I went to stay with my parents. No more excuses, no more tantrums.School was school and I had to attend it, come what may :) Last night I suddenly remembered how much I used to hate going to school and how my Uncle and grandmother had to put up with it.
Places I remember.in Kashmir.
1. My grandmother's place in Kashmir. I was spoiled rotten by her and my Uncle's. I can never forget that house and the love I got there.
2. The garden in our house in Kashmir. Filled with every kind of blossom. I was never allowed to pluck any though and one flower which always used to tempt me was the Tulip. Only one tulip, every season. No begging, pleading would let my father or grandfather allow me to pluck it. And finally that flower was stolen by the neighbor's son. Wanted to kill him , I guess I still want to :)
3. Nehru Park in Kashmir. You could go near the lake and put your hands in the water and all the tiny fish would come and touch your hands and tickle you. After all these years, I still remember the feeling.
The list is not exhaustive. I hardly remember anything about Kashmir. I was too young when we left that place and I have tried to forget some not-so-good- memories of that place and yet when I think about Kashmir, some things, some incidents and some places like the above are ever fresh in my mind!
2. The garden in our house in Kashmir. Filled with every kind of blossom. I was never allowed to pluck any though and one flower which always used to tempt me was the Tulip. Only one tulip, every season. No begging, pleading would let my father or grandfather allow me to pluck it. And finally that flower was stolen by the neighbor's son. Wanted to kill him , I guess I still want to :)
3. Nehru Park in Kashmir. You could go near the lake and put your hands in the water and all the tiny fish would come and touch your hands and tickle you. After all these years, I still remember the feeling.
The list is not exhaustive. I hardly remember anything about Kashmir. I was too young when we left that place and I have tried to forget some not-so-good- memories of that place and yet when I think about Kashmir, some things, some incidents and some places like the above are ever fresh in my mind!
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Just One Left.
Now this is truly sad. My fish. There were so many of them and now just one remains :(.
The second last one died last night. It had better chances of surviving as it had grown bigger. Alas! I have left all hopes of the last one survining, it is very small and will not be able to survive the summer. I have another fish, gouramis, a very strong fish, but I don't really like it all that much.( I wasn't sure about getting it home, but I did). Hence for me keeping fish as pet ends here.
I had always wanted fish in my home. The first recollection I have about throwing a tantrum for having a fish to take home goes back to Kashmir. I must have been three or four ( some things you remember quite vividly, not matter how old they are), I had gone to the market with my grandmother. She needed to buy vegetables and I guess fish for dinner. So, I kept pulling at the corner of her sari, and asking her to buy me a fish. She kept telling me that she was buying fish for dinner and I kept telling her that I didn't want to eat it, I wanted to keep it. This went on for more than half an hour, I guess. Finally she couldn't take it anymore, neither could the shopkeeper and my grandmother asked him to give a fish to me. Picture this, a four year old with hands as small as they can be ( if you want to know, how small my hands were then, you can still look at them, they never really grew, they are still very small :) ), tryin to hold a slippery fish. The fish, whose size was bigger than my hands( 0bviously!), kept slippping from my hands and as it was a live one(:) ), it was jumping everywhere. I dropped it in the mud several times, picked it up again and yes this scene went on for some time, till Amma got vexed with me and my silly tactics, snatched the fish from me, got a tumbler from somewhere and put the fish inside and off we went home.
I was very excited, I had a fish! we got the fish in the afternoon and I was allowed to keep it only in the bathroom, so every ten minutes, I would head to the bathroom, to see whether it was live or not. Also, meanwhile, I had my lunch, afternoon nap and a lot of other things.Come night, the fish curry is being cooked and I go to the bathroom to check on my fish and to my utter shock, it's gone! I run everywhere to ask about the fish and everybody gives me the same answer, that it died while I was sleeping ( I actually bought it , I was small with no brain at all, you know).
Sigh! All my other attempts to convince my parents to buy me a fish went futile. They would never hear of it. I did once convince my sister to buy me one , but she said the bowl would break in the auto and we would come back with my father the next day to get it ( I am still waiting for that day!)
Finally, last year I got a pair of gold fish as a gift. My happines knew no bounds.I finally, finally had proper gold fish as pets! However, one died in a week. I was so crestfallen that it was replaced by another gold fish the same day. Now, you have to know about this fish. My room mate and I christened it Oliver ( people who are laughing, can stop reading this post). It was some fish.The most active fish, I ever saw. Even after it's partner died , it was blissfully happy to be lonely. It would know when it was time for it to get food. A very , very beautiful fish. It couldn't survive last year's summer as well. It died the night I was at my friend's place. I really liked it. After keeping away from getting anymore fish home, after a couple of months, I did get many and some of them gave babies. Around thirty to be precise. From that thirty, just one has left. If it survives , it would be nice, but from now on I am never going to keep fish as pet. It is very painful to see them die. A pet is a pet, however small it might be.
The second last one died last night. It had better chances of surviving as it had grown bigger. Alas! I have left all hopes of the last one survining, it is very small and will not be able to survive the summer. I have another fish, gouramis, a very strong fish, but I don't really like it all that much.( I wasn't sure about getting it home, but I did). Hence for me keeping fish as pet ends here.
I had always wanted fish in my home. The first recollection I have about throwing a tantrum for having a fish to take home goes back to Kashmir. I must have been three or four ( some things you remember quite vividly, not matter how old they are), I had gone to the market with my grandmother. She needed to buy vegetables and I guess fish for dinner. So, I kept pulling at the corner of her sari, and asking her to buy me a fish. She kept telling me that she was buying fish for dinner and I kept telling her that I didn't want to eat it, I wanted to keep it. This went on for more than half an hour, I guess. Finally she couldn't take it anymore, neither could the shopkeeper and my grandmother asked him to give a fish to me. Picture this, a four year old with hands as small as they can be ( if you want to know, how small my hands were then, you can still look at them, they never really grew, they are still very small :) ), tryin to hold a slippery fish. The fish, whose size was bigger than my hands( 0bviously!), kept slippping from my hands and as it was a live one(:) ), it was jumping everywhere. I dropped it in the mud several times, picked it up again and yes this scene went on for some time, till Amma got vexed with me and my silly tactics, snatched the fish from me, got a tumbler from somewhere and put the fish inside and off we went home.
I was very excited, I had a fish! we got the fish in the afternoon and I was allowed to keep it only in the bathroom, so every ten minutes, I would head to the bathroom, to see whether it was live or not. Also, meanwhile, I had my lunch, afternoon nap and a lot of other things.Come night, the fish curry is being cooked and I go to the bathroom to check on my fish and to my utter shock, it's gone! I run everywhere to ask about the fish and everybody gives me the same answer, that it died while I was sleeping ( I actually bought it , I was small with no brain at all, you know).
Sigh! All my other attempts to convince my parents to buy me a fish went futile. They would never hear of it. I did once convince my sister to buy me one , but she said the bowl would break in the auto and we would come back with my father the next day to get it ( I am still waiting for that day!)
Finally, last year I got a pair of gold fish as a gift. My happines knew no bounds.I finally, finally had proper gold fish as pets! However, one died in a week. I was so crestfallen that it was replaced by another gold fish the same day. Now, you have to know about this fish. My room mate and I christened it Oliver ( people who are laughing, can stop reading this post). It was some fish.The most active fish, I ever saw. Even after it's partner died , it was blissfully happy to be lonely. It would know when it was time for it to get food. A very , very beautiful fish. It couldn't survive last year's summer as well. It died the night I was at my friend's place. I really liked it. After keeping away from getting anymore fish home, after a couple of months, I did get many and some of them gave babies. Around thirty to be precise. From that thirty, just one has left. If it survives , it would be nice, but from now on I am never going to keep fish as pet. It is very painful to see them die. A pet is a pet, however small it might be.
A grumpy cab driver and a poor me!
Yesterday evening, I had to go to a Uncle's place for dinner, who is a very close family friend. I was out of excuses of not going to his place and had to give in yesterday. I had a brilliant plan of travelling from my office to my home and then travelling again to his place. I was too smart to listen to somebody's advise of going straight to Uncle's place from the office. My theory - I don't know the way properly to his place, I will be clubbed in the cab with people who would have to go in the same direction, and I would be directionless ( confusing ??) and hence didn't want the wrath of people who were heading home early. So I thought I would do everyone a favor( really, don't know why I have to think about people whom I don't even know. ) and head home.
Oh yes, of course I called up my folks, told them to wait up for me, and that I was going to leave in an hour and not to leave without me at any cost. And so, there I was ,sharp at five thirty in the basement, going helter skelter from the zone which would have cabs going to my destination, to the person who allots cabs. When I went to my zone, the driver told me that he is not suppose to go to my place, so I ran to the cab allocator (:) ), who asked me to go the zone again! ( come to think of it now, I did feel like a ping-pong ball :) ).
Finally sat in the cab, told the driver,"I am sorry, I was asked to sit in this cab and now I can't really help it." He grumbled and grunted and started the cab. The story takes yet another turn, while leaving, two other girls who were going to B'jara Hills were asked to sit in the cab. :) Yes, the cab driver wasn't happy about it and started grumbling again. It was a complete detour for him, in the first place, it wasn't his route at all :)
After they were dropped near and around City Center, the driver couldn't hold it anymore and went ahead with a barrage of complaints and everything, convincing me completely that I was at fault for having a home which is so far. Inter- district travelling as some people put it :) .
Sigh! I couldn't take it anymore , his cribbing was getting at me. So I asked him if he knew where diamond point was ( where I was suppose to go later on in the evening), he said he did. I asked him again, whether he was really , really sure where it was. He gave me a look which convinced me that he knew where it was.And then I asked him if it would make him happy if he had to drop me at diamond point and not at my place. He said, "of course madam". So I told him to drop me there and not at my place and to stop breathing down my neck( yes this phrase,I obviously said it in my mind :) )
Called up my mother, my father picked up the phone and told him to not wait for me anymore and that I would see them directly at Uncle's place. Hung up as quickly as possible before I would hear another barrage of complaints :)
So here it is , the first of many cab driver related incidents. At the end of the day what matters is that I was saved from travelling more, I wasn't lost and the cab driver had stopped cribbing and was glad to have a drop like me, so accomodating, I tell you :) !
Oh yes, of course I called up my folks, told them to wait up for me, and that I was going to leave in an hour and not to leave without me at any cost. And so, there I was ,sharp at five thirty in the basement, going helter skelter from the zone which would have cabs going to my destination, to the person who allots cabs. When I went to my zone, the driver told me that he is not suppose to go to my place, so I ran to the cab allocator (:) ), who asked me to go the zone again! ( come to think of it now, I did feel like a ping-pong ball :) ).
Finally sat in the cab, told the driver,"I am sorry, I was asked to sit in this cab and now I can't really help it." He grumbled and grunted and started the cab. The story takes yet another turn, while leaving, two other girls who were going to B'jara Hills were asked to sit in the cab. :) Yes, the cab driver wasn't happy about it and started grumbling again. It was a complete detour for him, in the first place, it wasn't his route at all :)
After they were dropped near and around City Center, the driver couldn't hold it anymore and went ahead with a barrage of complaints and everything, convincing me completely that I was at fault for having a home which is so far. Inter- district travelling as some people put it :) .
Sigh! I couldn't take it anymore , his cribbing was getting at me. So I asked him if he knew where diamond point was ( where I was suppose to go later on in the evening), he said he did. I asked him again, whether he was really , really sure where it was. He gave me a look which convinced me that he knew where it was.And then I asked him if it would make him happy if he had to drop me at diamond point and not at my place. He said, "of course madam". So I told him to drop me there and not at my place and to stop breathing down my neck( yes this phrase,I obviously said it in my mind :) )
Called up my mother, my father picked up the phone and told him to not wait for me anymore and that I would see them directly at Uncle's place. Hung up as quickly as possible before I would hear another barrage of complaints :)
So here it is , the first of many cab driver related incidents. At the end of the day what matters is that I was saved from travelling more, I wasn't lost and the cab driver had stopped cribbing and was glad to have a drop like me, so accomodating, I tell you :) !
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Books, books and books.
As children, most people love to read comics. I detested them. I only managed to read Pinki ( hehehe, really Pinki??) and chacha Chaudhary, and later on Champak and Twinkle. Also, I read them only when I was bored to death and my sister would have her exams and I couldn't fight or irritate her. The reading bug caught me when I was in my 8th grade. I made my sister borrow a book from the library on her name ( only students in the higher class could borrow books in my school). Hence, the first novel I have read in my life is, Coma, by Robin Cook. Well, those of you, if a little familiar with the author, would think that a thirteen year old, could have done without this as her first novel. The book gives a detail explanation of the not-known side of the medical world and many other things. But I was fascinated by the book. I wanted to read more from the same author. Alas, my sister would not hear of it ( she was advised by some silly friennd of her's to not give me novels to read at this age. Talk about being old - fashioned! as if! ).
So, the next novel which I read was after two years of gap, and this time around, it was another popular writer, Sidney Sheldon. Nothing Lasts Forever, this was the first novel of his which I read, and I was hooked on to his novels in the years to come. I have read all of his novels except one and my favorite is , Tell me your dreams.
Another book which was a milestone in itself to read was , Godfather. I was obsessed by the book, I used to read it through out the day, while eating, travelling, in between classes, all the time. I have still not the seen the movie, beacause I don't want to spoil the magic this book has created for me. The way I look at the characters of this book are my own, I have my own setting and I refuse to part with it.
And so the journey began from Sheldon, I went to back to Robin Cook :), ( the friend didn't have a say anymore :) ), Jeffrey Archer, some claasics, Ludlum, Christie, Poe, Jayeshree Misra, Shashi Deshpandey, the list is endless. I love reading books, my summer vacations used to go by in a jiffy, I used to read through out the day, as well as nights.
They still give me pleasure, company and a lot more. The journey is not over yet! :)
So, the next novel which I read was after two years of gap, and this time around, it was another popular writer, Sidney Sheldon. Nothing Lasts Forever, this was the first novel of his which I read, and I was hooked on to his novels in the years to come. I have read all of his novels except one and my favorite is , Tell me your dreams.
Another book which was a milestone in itself to read was , Godfather. I was obsessed by the book, I used to read it through out the day, while eating, travelling, in between classes, all the time. I have still not the seen the movie, beacause I don't want to spoil the magic this book has created for me. The way I look at the characters of this book are my own, I have my own setting and I refuse to part with it.
And so the journey began from Sheldon, I went to back to Robin Cook :), ( the friend didn't have a say anymore :) ), Jeffrey Archer, some claasics, Ludlum, Christie, Poe, Jayeshree Misra, Shashi Deshpandey, the list is endless. I love reading books, my summer vacations used to go by in a jiffy, I used to read through out the day, as well as nights.
They still give me pleasure, company and a lot more. The journey is not over yet! :)
A Bright and Cheerful day!
Well for several reasons it is a bright and cheerful day. One very obvious reason is that it REALLY is a bright day :) . Two, I am able to write something , anything. Three, I wasn't in my best of moods for a couple of days, but, today is different. I feel good, I can't stop smiling and I am happy. It was something I had been waiting for months to happen and it finally did. Will not bore anyone with what it is that has made me so happy ( people who have to know , will know about it :)
P.S. Cheerful mood makes you ramble very easily, doesn't it? :)
P.S. Cheerful mood makes you ramble very easily, doesn't it? :)
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